


This Is Not A Story

by Christine1911



Category: Original Work
Genre: F/F, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-07
Updated: 2018-10-06
Packaged: 2019-07-27 09:29:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16216226
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Christine1911/pseuds/Christine1911
Summary: Hey y'all. So, this is gonna be a really slow update, cause I gotta make it perfect or else I won't post at all, so... Anyway, I hope you enjoy!





	1. One

**Author's Note:**

> Hey y'all. So, this is gonna be a really slow update, cause I gotta make it perfect or else I won't post at all, so... Anyway, I hope you enjoy!

 I certainly did not intend this. In fact, this is the last thing I expected...or wanted. Staring down the face of death, I couldn't explain how I had gotten here. Which place was the tipping point? Which one made it so I could never turn back?

"Decide, girl." And I laugh. Not at the statement, but at the girl I used to be. So fragile, so scared. And now? I ask myself, What are you now? A girl. A girl who knows what her choice is.

< >

I race towards the bus stop, hoping I won't miss it. The doors close, and I want to cry. But the bus isn't moving. The doors open again. The bus driver saw me. Or someone else pointed me out to him. Either way, I breathe a sigh of relief. "Thank you," I pant as I climb the steep steps into a raging wave of hormones and B.O. _You know, you could always just skip school..._

**Like she'd ever do that.**

"Both of you, shut up." I mumble under my breath. I get a lot of strange looks because of my mouth moving with the words, but it's better than if they knew.

**Total Freak!**

_Be nice_.

"I said, shut up. What part of that don't you get?"

**Don't get your panties in a twist, K.**

I roll my eyes at Hannah's nickname for me. I yearn to correct her, tell her K is not my name. To tell her no one gets to call me that, that no one has since I was little. No one but her.

I don't exactly know when the two of them showed up, but I remember them being there for all my significant memories. First time reading a chapter book? Hannah called me slow after Julie congratulated me on finishing it. Ever since I was a kid, I've heard them. I never told anyone, they always warned me not to. At first, I figured everyone had voices and just never talked about it. As I got older, I started to realize that I was not normal. People watched me strangely for talking to "myself" like I did. It was in fourth grade that I realized no one else had the company I did. By that point, I was too afraid to tell anyone for fear of being called crazy.

The bus pulls up to the school as I sit and think. On auto-pilot, I get up and head to first period. I make it through the day without incident...that is, until fourth period.

I settle into my chair in Geography and pull out my notebook and binder. A razor blade's silver shine peeks out over my sock, and I hurry to cover it up.

**Reckless idiot**

_No one saw it...did they?_

I shake my head. Probably not, as no one has told the school's officer. Surely he'd have come and talked to me, Looked for it. But he hasn't, so no one knows it's there. I keep this internal dialog going, hoping to ignore the itching in my hands. They want— need— to move. To do something. But not just any something.

Class starts as the bell rings, and I struggle to ignore it as the itching spreads from my hands to arms, and from my arms to my chest and torso and legs and feet and I can feel the blade pressing against my skin and ugh no stop...stop...

**One little cut and it'll go away. Just one.**

No. I refuse. I will not remain a slave to my body.

It was less than a minute before it became unbarable.

My hand shot into the air, my skin-tight sleeves keeping me covered.

"Yes Miss Lewis?"

"May I use the restroom?" I said it so casually, as if I wasn't about to start trembling. I already have my "girl kit" in my hand.

"Yes, Miss Lewis. Hall pass!" She calls as I race out the door. I am careful to grab it as I leave. I don't run, or glance around nervously. I simply stroll to the nearest bathroom and duck inside. I lean down and check the stalls, making sure they're empty. Then, I lock myself in one. I yank off my shirt and bend down to grab the blade out of my sock. I don't tremble, or shake, or cry. I am immune to it all by now. This is simply routine. I look down at my criss-crossed arms. White, puckered lines, each one a new sentence. I press the blade to my skin and I whisper the words "You are weak" as I drag the blade across my skin. I know I ought to be careful, but the sentences continue to flow from my mouth. I can't help it. By the time I hear Julie tell me to stop, I have twenty-two new sentences. I check my phone. Crap! It's been fifteen full minutes. I open my kit and break open an alcohol wipe, cleaning my arm. Next, I pull out the self-adhesive gauze and wrap it around my forearm. I tug my shirt back on and race to the classroom. I pretend I don't hear the whispers as I sit down. I barely hear a word of what the teacher says. Mrs. Williams is by far my favourite teacher, but I still don't like her. She's just less intolerable. It feels like minutes have passed, but the bell signals that class is over. I get up leisurely and begin the steps towards the weekend.

"Miss Lewis? May I have a word?" I close my eyes and take a deep, steeling breath. Turning, I face Mrs. Williams.

"Yes, Mrs. Williams?"

"Kass, you can't skip out on class like that. You're barely passing. I know you can do better. I know you know the material, you've passed every test. Yet you don't ever do your homework."

"Mrs. Williams..." I sigh. "I know. I just...I'm dealing with a lot right now. But I will do better to turn in my work on time."

"Are you okay, Kass?" I bristle.

"I'm okay, I just need some sleep. I worked an emergency shift last night. I promise I'll do better." She opens her mouth to say something else, but I gesture over my shoulder to the door. "I have to catch the bus. Is it alright if I leave?" She looks like she might say no, but then she nods, resigned.

"Enjoy your weekend."

"Thank you, Mrs. Williams."

I know too much time has passed already since the bell rang, so I run out the door of the school. I'm just in time to see the bus start up and pull away; I groan. I live miles from the school. I've just resigned myself to walking home when I hear a snooty voice boom out, "Aw, Kass. Did you miss the bus again?"

"What do you want, Brittany?"

"Just to talk," She says sweetly. Falsely sweet. I turn to walk away, when I hear her whisper to her friends. "Freak. Must be lonely to have no one but your imaginary friends." I go back to that day.

< >

It's the beginning of the sixth grade, and I can't wait to tell my new friend everything about my summer. I was walking into the school building when a group of boys stopped me.

"'Sup, Kass?" I opened my mouth to respond, but I didn't have the chance. Suddenly, I was on my butt on the ground, staring up at the boys. They were laughing. Then, someone approached. I didn't recognize her, but she scared me. "Come on, K! Get up!"

"H-Ha-Hannah?"

"Get up!" I didn't notice the boys anymore. It was then that another voice interjected.

"Don't be so rude!"

"Julie? What..."

"Shut up, J."

"Stop it Hannah. Let Kass make her own choices." My head spun. How...Were they...real? How could I see them. I looked up again. Clear as day and normal as the boys staring at me, I saw them both. Hannah and Julie, the voices in my head. Somehow, in some way, they were real. I covered my ears to block out their yelling at each other and curled into a ball. That's how Britt found me. Curled up and crying and muttering.

"Kass?" She touched my shoulder, and I flinched. "Kass, what's the matter?"

"They're here. They..."I looked up to find us alone. "They were here. Right here..."

"Who?"

"Hannah...Julie...They were here..."

"You saw your imaginary friends? Like, for real?"

"They're not...they're not imaginary..."

"Kass," she said, standing, "You need to get over this. You can't hold on to these...people...forever." I was desperate for her to understand, but then I saw the figure behind her. It was Hannah. "Kass, are you even listening to me?" She sighed again. "Kass, you are such a baby!"

"Well at least I have a dad who doesn't abuse me." Wait...what? Hannah said the words, but they came out of my mouth. It was like...like she was controlling my words, my brain. I saw the shock, the hurt, on Britt's face. "Britt...I didn't....I swear..." She was crying now, tears streaming freely down her face. Hannah was gone.

"Just stop! Jeez, Kass. How could you do this?"

"I didn't!"

"Oh, so who did? Your friends? The one no one can see or hear but you?" I froze.

"Britt..."

"Don't call me that. Ever."

"But-"

"No! Goodbye, Kass. I hope you rot."

< >

I snapped. I knew better, but I couldn't control the surge of emotion inside me. "Go away, Brittany."

"But I'm having such a good time, catching up with you."

"I mean it. Go away."

"Or what?" Good question. What would I do? I can't really think of anything that would really ruin her day...

"Or I'll tell everyone." She pales.

"Tell them what?" Her voice is small, like a mouse was given a human voice.

"I'll tell them all about how you got that nice, expensive shirt. I'll tell them all what a Daddy's girl you are."

"You wouldn't."

"Try me." I felt no remorse, no fear. I knew that—if she didn't stop this—I would have no problem telling everyone about her father and his nighttime visits to her room. All semblance of colour is drained from her face as she begins to tremble. She opens her mouth to say something more when we both turn at the sound of my name. "Hey, Kass!" I groan inwardly.

Jonah, the most popular boy in school, is jogging up to where I stand. Brittany's colour returns as she flames in the cheeks. Jonah and her broke up last month. "Kass." I turn and look at him, questioning with my eyes what he wants. He slows to a stop next to me. "Hey."

I don't respond.

"I never see you after school. I thought maybe we could talk," He laughs nervously. "Could I walk you to your car?" I nod silently, shooting one final glance at the fuming Brittany. We walk to the lot in silence. "So..." He clears his throat, "Where's your car?"

"I take the bus."

"Oh..." He stops short, but I keep walking forward. I don't care how long it takes, I am getting home. Now. "Let me drive you."

"No thanks."

"So you're just going to walk?"

"Yep."

"Come on, it'll be faster. I won't say a word to you the whole drive." I'm angry. Angry at Brittany and myself and the world. Still, some part of me forces a sigh from my lips, along with a single word.

"Fine."

I walk over to his pickup, a Ford 2001, and reach for the handle. I yank it open right as he grabs the top to help me in. Suddenly, he pulls back with a cry, cradling his hand. "Jonah?"

"Stupid..." He forces a laugh. "Guess it cut me." He leaves for the other side of the car. I climb in, thoughtful. I could have sworn... "Anyway, where to?" He asks as he slides into his seat.

As Promised, we drive in silence. As I climb out, he waves. And then I know for sure. He didn't get cut. Covering his hand is a blistered burn, all the way across his palm.


	2. Chapter 2

I wake up to the sound of my phone's alarm, and the glowing numbers of the time. 4 A.M. "Ugh," I groan, "It's too early for this..." But I'm already stripping off my pajamas in the cold morning and pulling on my long-sleeved running clothes. Tying up the laces on my running shoes, I savor the silence of the morning hours. I grab my keys and phone, and I'm out the door, running along the road of our rural country home. My country play list is on, and I step with the bass.

About half a mile in, I veer off the road and onto a country trail. I'm running to Long Gone And Moved On when I hit my halfway mark. I don't stop to breathe or even pause to touch the pole staked into the ground. I simply turn and run back towards my house. _Doing great, Kass!_

**Shut up. She's panting again.**

_So?_

**So if she was in shape she would have breath control.**

"Shut up." Just then a car honked, and a turned to see Jonah's old blue pickup drive up the street beside me.

"Jonah?"

"Hey Kass." He sounded almost nervous. I shook off the thought and focused back on him. "I, um...wanted to see you. Ask you somethin'."

"Oh...kay?" Now he really looked nervous.

"Well, um...you know...prom is..." No. Nononononono. The thought came from all three of us at once.

"Look, Jonah...I've gotta get home, can we maybe talk Monday at school?" I was already running, backwards so I could still see him.

"Oh, yeah...sure..."

"Thanks!" I yelled over my shoulder as I turned and raced up the hill. Three miles left, and Jonah is already out of my over-crowded head.

< >

I make it home in less than an hour, sweaty and hot, and unlock and open the door. My dad stands at the stove top, and the smell of his French Toast, my once-favourite meal, is wafting up from the pan. "Hey sweetie," he calls as he spots me, "How's breakfast sound?"

"Dad, you know I eat before I run." The old lie slips easily from my lips, but, as always, he buys it. I head up to my bathroom and turn on the shower. Stepping on the scale, I watch the digital display crank out its numbers. 110.

**Disgusting.**

I sigh as I step off. I'm not even at 100 yet. Scowling, I step into the shower and scrub myself raw with the thoughts of all I will never be. Beautiful, worthy, wanted...all these I will see only in my dreams. Stepping out, I dress for work and drive to the local Cinema. I make it through the first half of my shift with no issue. Of course, after my break, everything just has to go wrong.

"What's up, Freak?" It's Brittany's crew, chanting the phrase as always.

"Guys..." Brittany herself is very timid, very pale, and very scared.

"What do you want?"

"We just wanted to see a movie."

"Guys, please..."

"No, let them talk. What movie?"

"It's called revenge." I don't see it 'til it's too late, and my face and uniform is covered in red Slushie. My eyes start to burn—I didn't have time to close them.

"Guys lets go. Please." I hear them laugh as they walk out. Opening my eyes, I scream. That was no Slushie. It hurts like all Hades to blink. No way the food colouring and crushed ice could do this. Eyes closed, I stumble towards the phone. Finding it, I feel a hand on my shoulder.

"Kass, what's wrong." It's Brendan.

"Nine-one-one. Please..."

Now panicked, he grabs the phone out of my hand and I hear the Buttons. He starts to speak to the operator. There was a lot of I don't knows, but I ignore it as I struggle to keep my eyelids still. Tears are streaming down my face, from fear as much as pain. I struggle to fight off panic as I wait for the ambulance they are sending. She asks Brendan to stay on the phone, and I sink to the floor. I curl into a ball and wait until I hear the sirens pull up outside. The paramedics are carrying me to the back when I hear my name. Jonah... I don't have time to respond to his cry as I hear the doors close. They ask my questions I don't want to answer, but still I tell them about the Slushie and the pain, the inability to open my eyes. They try to rinse it out, but when I open my eyes for a brief second, I have to immediately snap them shut. They start to murmmer to each other as I feel more warm tears trickle down my face. Except, it smells funny. And there's so much liquid. I reach up and catch a falling tear, only to find it sticky. Upon a sniff, I am certain. My eyes are bleeding.

The paramedics tell me not to open my eyes and wait until we make it to the hospital. ETA: 15 minutes. In those fifteen minutes, I stay perfectly still while the paramedics try to figure out what it was in the Slushie. Finally, we make it to the hospital. I'm rushed inside, not hearing a word that was said. By the time I'm in the bed, I am visibly shaking from a near-panic-attack. As much as the doctors and nurses tried to help calm me down and flush out my eyes, I couldn't stop shaking too violently for them to perform anything. Finally, they sedated me. I was asleep within a minute.

< >

My ears woke up before the rest of me. I heard the sound of footsteps on squeaky tile. Voices murmuring in the black of sleep. My mind is too tired to determine who's there, and soon the sound of beeping fills my ears, lulling me back to sleep.

< >

This time I am fully awake. I open my eyes to a dark room. I call out softly.

"Hello?"

"Pumpkin?" It's my father, with the same old nickname he's had since I was a baby. I feel a hand in mine, and I wonder how he found me so quickly in the dark. He must have slept by the bedside. "Oh, Pumpkin. I'm so sorry." It's then I remember everything. The pain stands out above all else, but finally realize I can open my eyes. The doctors succeeded.

"Dad?"

"I'm here." He touches my face. I feel a shift on the other side of the room. Like a breeze against my skin, the air changes positions. Someone else must be here.

"Mom?"

"She's at work." The air moves again, and I hear a small yawn.

"Kass?" It's...Jonah? "Kass. You're awake." It's a sigh, a thankful prayer. I can't help but smile.

"I'm okay, Jay." He gets up and shuffles over to my bed, placing his head on the sheets by my waist. I can hear him crying. "Oh, Jonah..." He sobs when I speak his name.

"Kass... I thought you were going to die..."

"I'm..."

"Kass. I wanted to tell you on Saturday...I came to tell you..." He chokes on his tears and stops short.

"Jonah..."

"I love you, Kass Angela Lewis. I...I love you. It took you almost dying for me to see it, but I do." I'm speechless. How do you respond to something like that.

"Can we turn on the lights?" I can feel the nerves coming off Jonah when I say it.

"Kass..." It's my dad. I forgot he was sitting on my other side. "Kass, there was rock salt in the Slushie. Along with..."

"Along with...what?" He sighs.

"Glass. Broken up glass shards." I...can't...no... "Kass, the doctors were able to flush it out, but not without difficulty."

"Wha-what? What 'difficulty'?"

"Kass, the lights...they are on."

"What? so...I'm..."

"I'm so sorry, Pumpkin. I wish it were different."

"No. No, this isn't happening. I...I'm dreaming! It's just a dream..."

"Kass... I'm so sorry, Kass..." Oh, Jonah...

"Jonah? Oh, Jonah..."

"It'll be okay, Kass. I promise." It was those words that finally broke me. I hadn't cried for almost a year. But I couldn't help it now. Tears slowly streamed down my face, and I bit back a sob. "Kass..." Jonah reached up and his hand cupped my cheek, his thumb wiping away my tears. I let out the sobs I'd been holding in. I don't remember the last time I was okay with someone touching me.

"Jonah..." I reached up and fumbled for his face. We both laughed a little when he grabbed my hand and held it to his cheek. I slowly crept my hand around his neck, twisting my fingers in his hair. I barely pushed on him, but within seconds he was kissing me. Electricity built in my body, and I could feel every nerve, as if I were being electrocuted. Next thing I know, there is a loud, long beep and the sound of glass breaking. Jonah pulls hastily away.

"Jo-" I was interrupted by the sound of the door opening as a nurse rushed in, asking what had happened and if everyone was okay. Jonah and my father assured that everything was fine, explaining that the power had suddenly gone out. The nurse assured that the same had happened throughout the building, blowing out several light-bulbs.

"We do have several backup generators that should kick in any second now. Just relax until the power comes back on." And she left.

We waited in silence. The only indicator, for me at least, of the power coming back on was the beeping from the heart monitor. Even when everything was working again, no one dare speak. That is, until my very intelligent father decided "I'm going to the cafeteria", leaving me alone...with Jonah.

"Ka-"

"Jonah..." I interrupted, "It's okay. I shouldn't have encouraged it. I guess I just thought...maybe...we could..."

"We can."

"No, Jonah," I sobbed, "We really can't. We don't know anything about each other, and I was just blinded by your ex-girlfriends best friends."

"Br—Brittany did this?"

"Well, technically, it was her friends, she was just there."

"That evil little-"

"It wasn't her fault Jonah. Just...go back to school. You can act like nothing happened, and it'll all go back to normal."

"I don't want it to go back to normal!" The sudden outburst shocked me. "Kass. I can't go back. Not now."

"Jon-" his lips were pressed against mine in another tear-stained kiss. I could feel his anger through the kiss, through the ferocity in which he held me. His hands were tangling in my hair, and I was struggling to keep my composure. Despite all my struggling, I gave in to the feel of his lips on mine. Not even in my wildest dreams had I imagined he would ever like me that way. My hands found their way to the tense muscles in his upper back. I dug my fingernails in, and Jonah growled against my lips. Breathless, we pulled away from each other. "Jonah..."

"Kass. The old me was terrified to tell you how I felt; but nothing compares to the fear of possibly losing you. Going back to normal, pretending none of this ever happened, I can't, Kass. I can't. To know that you feel the same and to not have you with me...it would only twist the knife deeper. I love you, Kass Angela Lewis, and I will not pretend otherwise. No more."

"Jonah..." I couldn't explain why something felt wrong, but it did. "Jonah I can't. Don't you see? Being with me would put you under the same scrutiny and embarrassment as I endure. I...I love you too much to let you go through all that. Besides, I probably can't go to regular school anymore. I...I have to learn to read, to walk...and by now everyone will know that now I'm the weird blind girl. I...I couldn't bear it if you had to go through this. Me...I can handle when it's just me. But, Jonah, I love you too. And I can't stand to see you reviled like that. Please, Jonah," I was sobbing my words now, "Please don't make me go through that. I can't do it any more than you can not be with me."

"Shh, Kass. Oh, Kass. I couldn't ever do that to you. I won't put you through that. But you can't ask me to stay away outside of school." I sobbed again, and he hugged me to his chest, stroking my hair. "It's okay, Kass. It's all going to be okay."


End file.
